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Here we go again.
Every single morning.
I hate you.
I despise you.
Yet I have to deal with you every…single…day for the rest of my life. You help me have “somewhat” of a normal life. You help me not be “crazy”. You keep me “happy”.
For the most part.
But I hate taking you
I hate having to depend on you to keep me from drowning in my life challenges that most normal people can deal with on a daily basis.
I hate having my husband look at me some days and say, “have you taken your medicine?” because believe it or not, he knows when I haven’t. I’m too difficult to deal with. I’m hard to reason with. And it’s all stupid.
It’s stupid that I can go to a counselor and talk to her and she thinks I am reasonable, functional person who has empathy for the next person, but that I can exhibit such opposite behavior that it would make anyone question my ability to be “sane.”
I am someone who suffers slightly from “Pollyanna Optimism” and ALSO depression. How is that even possible? How can someone ALWAYS look at the bright side of things and yet always feel the negativity on the inside. Even typing that makes me sound crazy.
Because it is. It’s not normal.
This has been one hell of a year for me.
And here I am again accepting the reality that I have to deal with these demons for the rest of my life. It gets debilitating on a daily basis and I get worn down trying to “positive talk” to myself to keep all of the other crap out. It’s draining.
When things go wrong in my life … which happens quite often … I am right back there…
“There you go again Beth. That’s your life. That’s what you do. You piss people off and don’t know how to function as a normal human being in certain circumstances. You can keep trying. You can keep having faith. But you’ll screw up again. And you’ll lose another friend. And maybe another family member. Because they don’t get you. And why should they? You don’t even understand yourself and why you act and say some of the things you do! Why should you expect anyone else to have empathy and compassion for you? You’re a screw up and there are so many things in your life that have proven that. Sure, you have a lot to be thankful for….but there are a lot of sins lurking in the background that you have committed and unfortunately you will never get away from them. You’ve been a liar, a cheater, and a repeat sinner in every shape of the word. That’s who you are. You’ve just got to deal with it.”
And so the downward spiral of depression goes.
Quite honestly, it pisses me off!
Why in the world can’t I just be normal?? Why did God inflict this upon me?! How can anyone that deals with this crap ever be of a use or positive help to anyone else? I can’t fix myself. I have to have a stupid pill “fix” me.
And even that is just a mask.
So… here I go.
Putting my mask on today.
To hide from myself. And from you.
To keep you from seeing the sins that I drag around daily.
The mask that keeps me from beating myself up too much.
The mask that shields the pain.
The mask that hides me from the world.