Putting on My Mask
Here we go again.
Every single morning.
I hate you.
I despise you.
Yet I have to deal with you every…single…day for the rest of my life. You help me have “somewhat” of a normal life. You help me not be “crazy”. You keep me “happy”.
For the most part.
But I hate taking you
I hate having to depend on you to keep me from drowning in my life challenges that most normal people can deal with on a daily basis.
I hate having my husband look at me some days and say, “have you taken your medicine?” because believe it or not, he knows when I haven’t. I’m too difficult to deal with. I’m hard to reason with. And it’s all stupid.
It’s stupid that I can go to a counselor and talk to her and she thinks I am reasonable, functional person who has empathy for the next person, but that I can exhibit such opposite behavior that it would make anyone question my ability to be “sane.”
I am someone who suffers slightly from “Pollyanna Optimism” and ALSO depression. How is that even possible? How can someone ALWAYS look at the bright side of things and yet always feel the negativity on the inside. Even typing that makes me sound crazy.
Because it is. It’s not normal.
This has been one hell of a year for me.
And here I am again accepting the reality that I have to deal with these demons for the rest of my life. It gets debilitating on a daily basis and I get worn down trying to “positive talk” to myself to keep all of the other crap out. It’s draining.
When things go wrong in my life … which happens quite often … I am right back there…
“There you go again Beth. That’s your life. That’s what you do. You piss people off and don’t know how to function as a normal human being in certain circumstances. You can keep trying. You can keep having faith. But you’ll screw up again. And you’ll lose another friend. And maybe another family member. Because they don’t get you. And why should they? You don’t even understand yourself and why you act and say some of the things you do! Why should you expect anyone else to have empathy and compassion for you? You’re a screw up and there are so many things in your life that have proven that. Sure, you have a lot to be thankful for….but there are a lot of sins lurking in the background that you have committed and unfortunately you will never get away from them. You’ve been a liar, a cheater, and a repeat sinner in every shape of the word. That’s who you are. You’ve just got to deal with it.”
And so the downward spiral of depression goes.
I’m tired.
I’m angry.
Quite honestly, it pisses me off!
Why in the world can’t I just be normal?? Why did God inflict this upon me?! How can anyone that deals with this crap ever be of a use or positive help to anyone else? I can’t fix myself. I have to have a stupid pill “fix” me.
And even that is just a mask.
So… here I go.
Putting my mask on today.
To hide from myself. And from you.
To keep you from seeing the sins that I drag around daily.
The mask that keeps me from beating myself up too much.
The mask that shields the pain.
The mask that hides me from the world.
God doesn’t inflict anything on anyone. For whatever reason, he has allowed you to experience this but he loves you. Perhaps it is out of this that he wants to draw you in closer, to give you a perspective where you can identify with and help others. We don’t always understand his wisdom and rationale and this isn’t a burden you will bear forever. God loves you, always, the broken down, angry, tired, sinning, imperfect you. He loves you on the good days, and the bad too. Meds aren’t masking who you are, they are restoring a chemical balance your body needs to allow the true you to shine through. Like a painter who wears glasses to complete their masterpiece, the glasses don’t define the painting and the meds don’t define you. Chin up lady, the beautiful you is a wonderful person, even in your darkest days.
Beth I’m so sorry that you have to go through this and there’s nothing I can say or do that will help BUT I do want you to know that you are stronger than most of the entire world! Partly because your experience makes you strong but also because only strong people can endure such trials. Just keep doing it for your kids! If the only purpose of your life was for your kids,which it isn’t, but if that was the only reason, it would be worth it, right?!(most days because sometimes I want to kick my kids butts). I hope so much that doors will be opened and you will either find solutions or just the strength to endure longer. And keep sharing truth because you know in your heart that others experience the same thing and feel like they are alone. Satan wants that. Heavenly Father wants us to love and serve one another and that is done through compassion and understanding…and that comes from raw experience. You are a giant who will stumble(because that’s what life is) but will grow a little bit stronger every time. Remember, we only fail when we quit trying!
Though you are hurting from this affliction…this writing was beautiful. I, too, have some of what you mentioned and it gets hard at times. Thanks for keeping on at keeping on.
I feel your pain sister. I hate having to take my meds too but I don’t feel like the real me without them either. I’m praying for you. Hugs?